Dating can be full of surprising milestones. You know, like the first time you say, “I love you,” meet each other’s friends, or discover that your partner’s mom is somehow already your responsibility. Some people bring flowers to their first meeting with the in-laws. Others, apparently, are expected to send gifts before the first handshake.
After just eight months of dating, our Original Poster’s (OP) boyfriend began urging her to give gifts to his mother, someone she hadn’t even met yet. What followed was a conversation that left her questioning whether this was a normal part of building a relationship, or a sign of deeper issues around boundaries and expectations.
More info: Reddit
RELATED:In most relationships, there’s a natural order of events: dating, eventually meeting each other’s family, and then maybe stressing over what to get their mom for her birthday
The author has only been dating her boyfriend for eight months and hasn’t met his mother yet
On Mother’s Day, he asked her to get his mom a gift, which she declined, feeling it was too soon
Later, for his mom’s birthday, he brought it up again, saying she now “owed” her a present
This left her feeling uncomfortable and she questioned whether this expectation was reasonable or a red flag
The OP had been dating her boyfriend for about eight months when Mother’s Day came around. Surprisingly, he asked what she planned to get his mom, whom she had never even met, by the way. When she politely declined, he was visibly disappointed and suggested that since they were dating, his mom was “kind of like her future mother-in-law.”
Understandably, the OP found this wildly premature. She explained that she wasn’t comfortable with the idea of gifting someone she didn’t even know, and that it would feel forced. Instead, she offered to bring a small gift if and when she actually met his mother.
Just when she thought the awkwardness was over, her boyfriend came back with another request, this time for his mom’s birthday. When she reminded him that she still hadn’t been introduced to her, he told her that since she hadn’t gotten anything for his mom for Mother’s Day, she owed her a gift now.
This rubbed her the wrong way. Not only had she been emotionally supportive and generous in their relationship already, but the idea of “owing” someone she hadn’t met yet felt deeply transactional. And if we’re going to be honest, no one likes feeling like they’re part of a gift-based scoreboard.
PsychCentral provides some insight into the concept of enmeshment, which refers to family relationships where healthy boundaries are missing, causing roles and responsibilities to become blurred. While closeness in a family is generally positive, enmeshed families take it too far that members become emotionally entangled in ways that hinder individual growth.
With these dynamics, boundaries are essential not just within the family, but in dating relationships. Bonobology emphasizes that setting boundaries in a new relationship is key to creating mutual comfort, understanding, and respect as they help define what is acceptable and what isn’t, allowing both partners to feel secure while maintaining their individuality.
They highlight that a critical part of this process includes identifying deal-breakers and non-negotiables, issues where compromise isn’t possible. Establishing these early on helps prevent misunderstandings and sets a foundation for a healthy, balanced relationship.
As noted by Elephant Journal, all relationships experience highs and lows, which is completely normal. However, problems arise when one partner is consistently the only one asked to make compromises or sacrifices. They state that a healthy relationship requires both partners to contribute equally, not only in actions but also in emotional investment and decision-making.
Netizens criticized the OP’s boyfriend, with many readers urging her to reconsider the relationship. They found his expectations unreasonable and pointed out the imbalance in his demands. They also raised red flags about potential control and financial manipulation.
What would you do if you were in the OP’s shoes? Would this be a deal-breaker for you, or would you give the relationship more time? We would love to know your thoughts!
The author clarified that the boyfriend never got her mother anything when it came to him, and netizens were quick to label him a red flag
